26# - Unlearning Who We Were Told to Be: Healing Cultural Shame & Returning to Wholeness with Nicky Clinch

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I'm a mother of two beautiful children. I live in Texas with my partner Nick. and I've been doing this work now for about 25 years. I am a maturation coach. I'm the founder of the Alchemy of being, the Academy of Maturation Coaching, and the creator of the Body Mind Maturation Method.I have.

Trained in Chinese medicine in somatic five elements, and how it all connects with human behavior and trauma and specialized and trained and apprenticed with my teacher in ontology. So I guess that's a fancy way of saying that my work is to be able to help people see. On a consciousness level, what is running their way of being and how their reality appears to them, given by their way of being.

Meaning how much our past is frozen in our body mind, how much we carry our entire history in the body mind, and you can't separate the mind and the body. They work like two sides of the same coin. So the experiences of our history are in the body, in the nervous system, and everything that we've ever absorbed information wise, behavior wise, conditioning stories is in the mind.

And those two together give us the entanglement of the identity that we think we are. And then that gives us who. How we live in the world and, and the limitations and the repeating patterns and cycles that we keep coming up against in my job is to be able to help people get to the root of what is keeping them trapped in these repetitive cycles and be able to start outgrowing.

Those frozen moments in time, those pieces of our past that keep us stuck and limited, but essentially the bigger game and the bigger promise is to, to experience real and true freedom. I. Our internal world, and when we can have freedom in our internal world, meaning freedom and peace with the relationship that we have with our own mind, with our own internal experiences, then that gives us.

A liberated space to come into our life from, and we become much more empowered and effective in how we actually live our life, how we deal with things like intimacy and money, and growing businesses, and expressing ourselves that we are able to quite literally mature in our perception and consciousness in how we deal with who we are in the world.

So that's what I do.

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Thank you. But I think the really interesting piece for me is when I was researching you and watching a couple of your really old YouTube videos mm-hmm. Is that you know, when people from the outside potentially look at someone like me or you, I. And they think, oh, it's okay for Nicky, it's okay for Sean.

They must have just been born like this. You know, there's a big perception about me that I've always been very confident, very extrovert, very, you know, self-assured of myself, but actually that it couldn't be further from the truth, you know, for me, especially as a child, like navigating the Asian culture.

Mm-hmm. you know, navigating very strict parents. Sexism. That's, I've had to overcome a lot to become the version of myself today. Yes. And the same for you, when I was re researching you, you, I think it was in your early twenties where suffering from addiction and you know, you couldn't hold down a job back then and all of these incredible things that you shared.

Yes. And I think that's what's just really powerful for someone like me watching you is just that. That, that doesn't have to be your reality forever. And for so many people it can be their reality forever. Yes. So can you just talk us through the journey from back then, really, and how, how you were back then?

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so uncomfortable and unbearable being myself. And I found a bottle of wine and I drank the whole bottle of wine, and I felt free. And my addiction began. So between the ages of 11 and 20, I was absolutely lost in a cycle of heavy addiction. by the time I got clean, I was, you know, as, as low as you can go.

I was bulimic. I was, I had my head down the toilet 12 times a day. I was emaciated, so skinny, all the blood vessels in my cheeks had burst from my bulimia. I was sleeping with the. The landlord of the pub next door so I could get free booze and I was just getting high every night. So I was in a really bad way.

and I remember the, that one of the last days of that phase, actually it was the last morning. Before I collapsed and I, everything just kind of surrendered. not consciously, but it was my moment in time or one of the first ones. and I remember waking up in the morning and you know how you wake up in the morning and there's like a millisecond.

Where you just kind of feel free and then you remember who you are and all the thoughts start flooding into your head and all the pain and all the things that you struggle with, it all just starts flooding in. Well, I had that, it was like a millisecond moment of just forgetting who I was and how I was living, and then it all flooded in and the thought of being.

Trapped there for another 40, 50 years just felt unbearable like a hell to me. And I, I quite literally, I remember thinking either this is it, as in I'm not, I'm gonna take my life or some, something has to change. And I didn't know how. And I didn't know what, and I got up and I was surrounded by the drug paraphernalia of the night before and all the mess and everything of being up all night.

And I just fell to the floor and I broke down. I was alone. And I remember just having this massive release of sadness and thinking, I need help. I don't know how to live this life. I want to live, but I don't know how. And. It was that day. Everything changed within a couple hours. I was in a doctor's office.

Within a few more hours after that, I remember saying to my mo, calling my mother, and the doctor had said to me, you can either wait six weeks to go on the NHS. Or you can go private, but it's gonna cost you a fortune. And I remember calling my mother, it's very strict Asian mother, who knew nothing about how I was living my life.

And I just told her everything. And I, she said, can you wait the six weeks? And I said to her, and we still talk about this today. I don't think I'll be alive in six weeks. Wow. So that was it. Within 24 hours, I was in and out. I was in an outpost treatment center. I was booted into a therapy with a therapist, addiction therapist, and my recovery began.

and that was just the beginning. Like I, I mean, I had stolen from everyone I loved. I had lied to everybody I knew. I was, I couldn't keep down a job. I, I was thousands of pounds in debt.so, you know, it was a, it was, I was in a bad way. Mm. So, you know, but what I like to tell about that story really, which, because most people will hear that and think, oh, I'm not that extreme.

How can I relate to her? But the truth is, and everybody needs to hear this, the addiction wasn't the problem. The addiction was me trying to solve the problem. What was the problem? Was this. Brutal attack that I would have of my own mind 24 hours a day. The self-hate, the low self-worth, the panic attacks, the insecurity, the inability to know how to feel my feelings, how to be in my body, and the addiction and the bulimia and everything that I was doing was a way to try to solve the w experience that I was having in my internal world.

So once I got clean and I was no longer bulimic and I was in therapy and you know, 10 years later, and this is a really pivotal part of my story, even though I looked better and I was clean and I had a job and you know, everybody thought I was better. Mm-hmm. I was still suffering from the same internal attack that I had when I was an addict.

I just looked more acceptable to society, and that was the moment when I realized I may be feeling better, but I'm not free. And that was when I started really diving into the world of maturation and ontology and really looking at what is it that runs us, that just keeps us in this attack. No matter what we do, we drink the green juice, we do the yoga, we get the flat stomachs, or we change the partners, we change countries, and yet everywhere we go, we bring me along.

Hmm. And this where exactly is the problem? Is the problem out here or is the problem happening in my perception of myself inside giving me the experience of out here? And that was when I really dived into the work that I lead today.so yeah, that was, you know, when, for everybody hearing this. What you and I have in common, and every single one of us has in common is the human mind.

Mm. The brain. Well, there's a distinction between the brain and the mind. Mm. and, and, and fact. Nobody can really find the mind. And Yes, it, yet it runs so much of how we perceive ourselves.so. Even though my story is different maybe to yours, the internal suffering, what is even running the internal suffering, what is even keeping us trapped and stuck is the same.

Mm-hmm. So. Please don't think that what my, what I'm sharing is different from what you are suffering with. We, as long as we're human. This relates to everybody listening, that we keep thinking that if we. Change our circumstances, or change the actions that we take or change the words that we use or change the methods that we dive into.

It'll somehow shift. Allow us to become free of our internal perception, of our own identity, of our own self, which that in itself is, is shaped and given to us by our past. And it's the same for every one of us. It's the, it's an identical pattern.as long as you are human, it's the human condition. So.

Your reality does not need to be stuck where it is. In fact, we're the only human being, we're the only animals on the on, in the animal kingdom that have this mind that can reflect on itself. Mm. You know your cat. My cat is not concerned about being fat today.

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And yet we as human beings, we, we do, we're constantly self-reflecting and, and that is a source of so much of our suffering. Yeah. But it is also. The only human, the only mind because it can reflect on itself. It's the only mind that can shift its own consciousness. Yes. So the reality that you are stuck in is also the very reality that you can outgrow and you can shift and you are the only that you we're the only species on the planet that can do that.

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On the external, they have everything. Mm-hmm. You know, like they're, they're like superstars. They're very talented. They're just incredible. But that inner dialogue is what just chips away at them. For some of them kills them leads to really toxic behaviors. Yes. Addictive patterns. Mm. And I think with the rise of social media now as well, a lot of, you know, women I work with or or speak to are suffering from this.

Kind of like a, a comparison culture, but also it's amplifying the negative thoughts that people are suffering with because they're constantly, you know, we know that social media isn't real. You know, it is a high, so much of it is a highlight reel. depending on who you follow. It's the negative thoughts are being amplified.

People are feeling more and more lonely. You know, people do really struggle, especially women, female entrepreneurs with self-worth. So where can one, I guess, start to try to, what you said I think was so profound there that you said that, you know, you just couldn't get rid of like. You like yourself, that was there in your, in your mind.

Yes. Where can someone start? If they're listening to this and they're like, I've got, you know, so many negative thoughts about myself and that, that brain, you know, that mind piece that just doesn't switch off. You know, when you wake up in the morning, those negative thoughts plague them. Yes. They get anxious.

The negative thoughts are playing out throughout the day. Where can one start to. Try and dismantle at least quieten down that voice. Well,

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is, is that, This human mind, this noise, is something that is personal to you, that maybe you are doing something wrong because you have all these negative thoughts. And so why can't you stop these negative thoughts? And if you just did enough affirmations or if you were good enough, or if you followed your yoga or meditation well enough, then somehow you shouldn't have this barrage of thoughts and that is inaccurate.

Mm-hmm. The. The human mind itself is a survival machine. Yes. It's a, it's a mechanical structure. It's not personal, and it is, its job is to absorb everything that you see and experience from the moment that you become conscious. and it holds it all in the memory bank. And the stream of thoughts that cross our mind every day.

I think we get something like 80,000 thoughts every 24 hours. You are not thinking those thoughts. Everybody thinks that you are thinking your thoughts, which is then why you've take it so personally, and then you try to stop thinking those thoughts. But if you are thinking those thoughts, you should be able to stop them.

Try it now. Everybody listening. Take a second. Just stop thinking. No, really stop. No, don't think a thing you see. You can't do it. Can't do it. Even when you're meditating and it gets quiet and then that little voice goes, oh, it's so quiet. You can't stop the stream of thoughts because you are not the one thinking you are being thought by a mechanical mind.

Mm-hmm. So the very first step is education, is that when you become conscious to this stream of thoughts as just what the mind is doing, but it's not you. You are not doing anything. The only thing that's keeping, that's causing the suffering is that you are identifying with this stream of thoughts. And if you hear the stream of thoughts, there's a kind of a repetitiveness to it.

Everybody has slightly different record playing based on your past, but there will be a kind of a stream of repetitive identical ki It's like a record playing. And for some people it's, I'm not safe, and how am I gonna get out, get out of here? And how are they gonna see me? Some people it's, are they gonna betray me and nobody's gonna choose me or want me?

Depending on the, the experience of your childhood where the mind becomes conscious and where your identity gets when the, the brain develops and your identity becomes conscious. The record and the noise of the record will be different. But the way that it is is the same for each one of us. So the very first step is spend just one hour and watch your own thoughts as if it has nothing to do with you.

Mm-hmm. And notice how completely mechanical it is. I have this exercise in one of our kind of audio, pro processes on our website when we, I call it stalking the mind. And you quite literally spend like 24 hours writing as many of the thoughts that cross your mind in a day. And once you see it down on paper, you see there's a particular script that plays.

And that script is very familiar to the script, the the problem that you always seem to be struggling with in your life, and it's very familiar to what you experienced as a child. So the very first step, and of course this is what we educate people in our programs, and when I say educate, meaning we take them through very deep experiential processes of seeing how the mind is running.

And it, it's not personal. It's nothing to do with you. You are not doing anything wrong. You can't stop it, and you didn't start it. Mm.

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You know? And I think that can be a big part of the problem as well.

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And the reason why they're still struggling with the same thing is because there's something wrong with them. Mm. And it is a secret internal shame. You think it's just you and then you realize and you come. That's what one of the biggest moments when people are in our programs, they hear everybody say, struggling with the same thing, and you realize, oh, it's not just me.

I'm part of the human race. I. So, yeah. The shame you see guilt is when you've done something wrong. Mm. Shame is when who you are is wrong. Mm. That the essence of you. There's something wrong with the way that I am or with who I am, my existence. And, and unfortunately, as long as we are in these individual attachments with the, with the human condition.

We will continue shaming ourselves for it, which of course is soul destroying.

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It's becoming conscious and aware that everybody is seeing from a context that is the nature of how reality appears, is that reality appears given by the context from where we're looking. Mm-hmm. And I'll give you a very. Basic example. I grew up in Asia and feng shui and energy flow and, you know, chi, this was just natural and normal for me.

I grew up, my mother would put plants in particular corners and staircases and particular angles. It was just really normal for me. And I remember going house shopping with my ex-husband and we would walk into houses. And it was like we would see different houses standing in the same room because as soon as we'd walk in the room, what would appear to me was immediately I would see, or that corner is jutting out in the northwest corner and the Q is not flowing in this way.

The way that the room appeared to me was given by the context that's in my memory bank. And of course he did. That's not what he saw at all. And then, and then you fight each other going, well, which one is the right rum? Mm. So really every human being is seeing from a context, and that gives us the world that we experience, which is why if your father abandoned you as a little girl, that will be in the context of your, of the records of your memory bank.

That will be giving the context. So every time you see the mind as a patent repe, repetition device, so it'll track anything that's familiar to what's in the past. Mm-hmm. And so every time you are in a relationship that will trigger the mind. And the context of your past will be giving you how you experience love and how he appears to you.

I mean, everybody listening, have you found yourself in arguments with your partner and it's like the same argument you've had with your mother? It's like, say it's basically your mother, but with your partner's face on. I love that

'cause of the context from where we're seeing is giving us what we're experiencing. I remember my ex-husband used to roll his eyes and whenever he rolled his eyes, I would. Absolutely convincingly no, that he was dismissing me and he did not care about me and he doesn't take me seriously, which is of course, my mother used to roll her eyes at me and when we talked about it and we really dived into it.

He didn't even realize he was rolling his eyes. It was just like a habit that happened. But of course, when I see eyes Roll, it filters from the context of my past and immediately I'm flooded with, I'm being not respected and I'm not being listened to, and my past is here right now. Yeah. So it's not like.

It's not that we choose the context, it's becoming conscious, conscious that there is al, there is always a context. So from whatever you are seeing, that is the mirror to show you the context from where you are looking.

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Someone's rolling their eyes and they get a bit triggered. I think it's in, is it in that moment then when you find these situations that you are in really deep diving into actually making the connection

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For the problems that you are having. Yes. And start realizing that every time you have your problem, you, you seem to be there. So much, and that's like a oh shit moment. It's like, oh, I never have my problem when I'm not here. So, okay, what is it that keeps repeating? Hmm. Then instead of trying to fix what's repeating, use what's repeating, we do this in our listening to life problem, program.

We get people to bring their biggest problem that they struggle with in their whole life, and we use the problem to back up into it to show them where they're seeing their whole world from. And a hundred percent of the time, it will be identical to your past.

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Yes. This is the thing, like people sometimes spend their whole life in re repetitive patterns. Yes. And that's the scariest part of it all is that. I think breaking patterns is, it can be so difficult. Oh, on a conscious level you want to break them. Of course you

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Exactly. And that's really one of the most confronting things that I see. A hundred percent of people will come to me and tell me they want to be free, but not everybody knows what that takes. And when they realize what it takes, they may question what they want. I remember having a participant saying to me after one of our programs, oh my God, Nikki, I realize that I've been in a cage, but the door has been open, but I have chosen to stay in the cage.

Meaning the very thing that we keep. Complaining about I, I never get wanted or I never get chosen, or I'm not good enough, or I'm worthless, is also, we're very attached to it. and I know that sounds hard to hear, but if you woke up tomorrow and that very constant, familiar struggle about not having enough money or not feeling safe or not being wanted, if that just disappeared, I.

Was completely gone. Would you even know who you are? Mm. And most people, it's like an identity crisis. Mm. You know, most people find spaciousness without the drama, without the struggle, without the problem. 'cause the mind is always trying to solve a problem if it just disappeared. It's more confronting and in fact it doesn't take long before you try to find yourself back creating the same problem.

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Or not being loved by our partner or. Being kind of like a victim mindset in our business.

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There was something in your past in the moment that it happened. That felt unsurvivable. So whether it was your mother didn't see you, or your father had a temper and you, you didn't feel safe, or they were so busy that you felt invisible, whatever it was for a child, it is a threat to your survival. If mama can't see you or feel you, it's a threat to whether you can make it.

Mm. So the mind, why is that in the neural pathways, the feelings of being invisible and unwanted wired with the story and the concept of nobody loves Me, that doesn't just become a thought in that moment, that becomes, an effective survival. A mo an effective moment that you survived, and the mind will use that every single time that it sees anything remotely similar because it was, it's wired as an effective way that you survived.

So why are we addicted to these? Because it's been something that's been running us and defining us our whole life. You know, I also think that the alternative, most people, like I said, will say they wanna be free, but the alternative is to experience complete nothingness. I. Now I know we can all take psychedelics and have a blissful experience of nothingness, but then go home and do the laundry, and have dinner with your husband and see if you can still be in nothingness.

Mm-hmm. It, we can only tolerate it for a certain amount of time before the mind will wanna drag you back in to the same old familiar suffering. And so what is the way to freedom? Do we keep trying to change what we do inside that story, or do we mature and outgrow our relationship with our mind at all?

You'll never wake up in the morning without a human mind. That's not gonna happen. Mm-hmm. So really the only way to liberation is to be able to shift the relationship that you have with your own mind, rather than changing what you're doing inside it. Does that make sense?

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I love that so much. And also, like Nikki, obviously you've been on this journey for a long time. Yes. you've had such an incredible, in terms of the transformation over the last few decades. So obviously when you started your brand, like how long was that ago when you started?it

was

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And I had like seven people come. And people would come there thinking that they were gonna come and learn how to make lentils, and they'd have these huge emotional releases. So I would get them in the door, and then we'd have these big transformational experiences and that, I guess people, I didn't even have a social media account.

I just had, I opened up a little Facebook page, but people kept coming. And sometimes I would have two people, sometimes I would have no people, but I just kept showing up. And what was kind of beautiful was I just showed up and trusted and I listened to life. And I remember one day one of the students that came in the room owned a cafe and wanted someone to come and teach about energetics.

So I. Went and started teaching about energetics and then I had the head of the BBC events come in and then book me for a festival. And it was just this kind of unfolding of like a river and of following the threads. and I just kept following these kind of threads of unknown and maybe that was.

Maybe that's the gift of hitting such a a hard rock bottom so young is I've always had a deep trust in life. and I know this sounds dramatic, but I haven't been afraid to die. Most people are so afraid to die, and I don't just mean the physical death, I mean in to surrender so deeply into the void that they're too afraid to take risks.

Mm. Or they're too afraid to not to follow the unknown. Just keep going. My teacher uses this beautiful analogy, is being courageous enough to step your foot off the edge of the cliff into the complete void and trust that your foot will land. And that's not just one action. That's a way to live just constantly stepping out into the void.

Really, that's how my whole business has been born.just moment by moment listening and unfolding and trusting and taking risks. And sometimes they haven't worked and sometimes they have. And every moment has been an an amazing learning opportunity. And I think that's important for entrepreneurs to know is that really entrepreneurialship is a creative act.

It's like creating a piece of art and every day you need to be willing to put paint on a canvas and not always know what you are gonna end up painting, but you, but you still wanna paint. Mm.

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Yeah. And to where you've created this global brand. Now obviously you're a published author. Yes. You run a seven figure company. Mm-hmm. You know, you've got the amazing maturation, that you do, and I guess. You know, obviously if you looked back then you could, I don't know, maybe, maybe you thought that you would end up here, but you know, quite a lot of people back then might have thought, actually no, there's no way that could be possible for me.

And maybe you hadn't thought actually back then that this would be where you are. So do you think that it has just basically what you said there is that it has just been that one step forward each time? Because I think this is the other thing with. Entrepreneurs, they, they get scared to take risk, but also they're so scared of the unknown.

Yes. and of course, you know, we are conditioned to be scared of, you know, anything that's not familiar. Yes.

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I, I, I genuinely. Feel lucky to be here. Mm.I wasn't meant to be here. I was that close to not being here, and I can't even believe I get to be so lucky to live such an exquisite life. And I think when you know real suffering, then when you can experience love and connection and, and fulfillment and joy, which is of course all the gifts of this work.

Then it just feels like a blessing to have life and to use it well, so I think for me, what has always been there from the beginning when I went back to school and I trained as a counselor and in Chinese medicine, I was the one in the class that was very passionate about wanting to help people, and that's never left me.

I really, I get up every day and I, I feel excited. To get in the ring and to work with people, whether it's one person or whether it's a hundred.and so I think for anybody listening, you know, I guess the real question that we need to ask ourselves is what is the vision that we're in service of? Is our vision in service of surviving and making sure that we make enough money today so that we don't die?

Or is our vision in service of something bigger?and really we have to be willing to serve something bigger than just our survival. If it's gonna be something that you get up and do every day and it can be creative and alive.

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One thing I do wanna ask Nikki before we wrap up mm-hmm. Is I have just been so fascinated watching you over, I think, the last couple of years and how your, I dunno if this is the, correct way politically to say it, how your body has changed. Yes.

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You wanted to be seen before, but maybe you didn't feel safe around being seen? I think it was something like that, yes.

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Why did I put on all that weight? My physical body was expressing everything that wasn't being expressed internally. So I quite literally created a physical armor to mask myself, to give me a protection because I, I mean, we can go very deep on this at, at a very, very root level, being seen. For who I am and, and by the way, for everybody listening, being seen is not just somebody using their eyes to look at you.

Really being seen is when somebody gets you, when you are gotten, when you feel felt by someone, the real authenticity of you. And of course, that's what everybody longs for. And not everybody got that from their parents. 'cause the only. Parents need to be very present. They may have been physically in the room, but that doesn't mean that they were present to feel you and get you and see who you are.

Most parents in our, in the last generations, particularly Asian parents, yes, project a lot of what they want from you, but they don't see you. Mm.and I experienced a, a, a a a terrible abuse when I was very little at four. So being seen was, was, was not only dangerous, but terrifying. So, you know, I ended up in a, in a marriage where I wasn't really telling the truth about who I am and I was suppressing myself and trying to fit in the marriage and trying to fit in the life and overworking and over providing.

And I put on this physical weight and. It was such an extraordinary moment of transformation for me when I started realizing I wasn't, firstly two things. I wasn't telling myself the truth about what I really cared about and what I wanted in my life. Mm-hmm. and that's important for everyone most of the time.

It's us that we're not telling ourselves the truth before we're ready to tell anyone else. So that was the first piece, and then I realized how I was, I didn't feel safe. I. I had created an environment in my life that was mirroring my childhood, meaning I didn't feel safe to be deeply vulnerable. I was the one earning all the money.

I was the one that my children and my husband relied on. I was, the one my company relied on. But when you are always the one that everyone relies on, then you can't be vulnerable and tender and be held by anyone else. Can you? Mm-hmm. So it was a, a another big moment of surrender for me. And, and my daughter asks me, I have an 11-year-old daughter, and she said, mommy, you've always been healthy, but when did the weight start coming off?

And I say to her, it started coming off when I started telling the truth. I. Hmm. And I quite literally would say, this is not okay for me. I want to be able to have deeper intimacy. I want to be able to not provide for everyone saying all the things that I thought I couldn't say out loud. Yeah. And as I said them, it kind of was like a.

one of those bashing balls. Wrecking balls that came into my world because all these people that weren't used to me telling the truth suddenly were very triggered by it all. Yeah. And the things that were not meant to stay went, including my marriage and the things that stayed, stayed, and I literally shed 40 pounds.

my marriage ended. I had to, we sold the family house the way that I ran. My whole company changed.Then six months later, I found the love of my life completely, randomly not looking.I'm 46 and I've never been in better shape. So, you know, telling the truth is, it is kind of awesome.

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You live. I do

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Oh my gosh. and I literally went unconscious, lost my, forgot who I was, couldn't walk, couldn't talk. I literally lost my identity. And it was coming out of that, which they told me I would never recover.I mean, firstly, it was an absolutely God-given gift because my work is helping people become conscious of the identity and to outgrow the attachment to the identity.

So for me to be able to watch my own mind lose itself, which is what I did, it was quite an extraordinary experience.to then be able to come out of it and teach about, you know, who we are when the, when the identity disappears, we, you know, we don't ever get lost. But I came out of that and I, I really started.

To love myself in a deeper way and telling the truth was part of that. So I found myself, I guess the more that I told the truth, the safer that I felt in my own skin. Mm.when I realized that I was behind my own self, I started feeling safer. And then I would find myself wanting to take care of myself more.

absolutely unwilling to overwork, absolutely unwilling to compromise my sleep.it suddenly these things that were not easy before became easy.and that just turned into. Wanting to put good food in my body and wanting to exercise and just wanting to give myself the absolute best. And it came from the inside out.

and the safer that I have felt, meaning I absolutely trust myself to take care, and taking care can be exercising to putting a boundary down and saying no. That's not okay for me. I won't tolerate this anymore. and the safer that I felt in my own skin, I guess the more I was able to, to be seen.

I've no, you know, I teach this in, we have a process called Emanate, which we have a mutual, friend in that process where I, where I work with entrepreneurs. Powerful entrepreneurs, on outgrowing the depths of the identity that's keeping the limitations in their expression and their leadership and their power.

And, you know, there's a, I, I teach in that, that the safer that you feel in your own center. The bigger the success that you will let in your life that most of the time we will block our own expansion. Hmm. Because we don't feel safe. So the safer you feel you and you know that you will put the boundary down when you know that when you take the risk, you can trust yourself to take care of yourself and show up when you know these things.

Then you just, you take bigger risks and you, you let bigger things in your life. And so most people think that the reason why they don't get success is because there's something wrong with them. In fact, it's the, it's, it's nothing to do with that. Most people won't let success in because they don't feel safe to hold it.

Hmm. You know, if you ask yourself if you made 25 million this year. How does, like what's the first thing that happens to you? Most people feel overwhelmed. oh, I won't know what to do with it. Or I'll end up in jail, or I'll do something terrible, or everyone will leave me. There's so many fears of being able to trust yourself to hold that much power and that much energy.

So, you know, the, the more that we're willing to honor our absolute truth and to take care of that. The safer that we feel and the bigger our world can get.

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The boundary piece is so important. Oh god. And the feeling safe because when we were younger, especially in the Indian culture, being yourself wasn't safe. Oh. You know, it was all about everyone else. You know, I, I had a up Asian, obviously Asian upbringing and, you know, I wasn't allowed to take up too much space.

I, I wasn't allowed to be different. Don't do draw too much attention. Be kind, you know, never say no to the elders they know best. Yes. And then once that kind of starts manifesting in, in your life as an adult, and of course as a child, it's, it's actually feels unsafe. To be fully seen and holding yourself and safe in your body Yes, as well.

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About them. It's like a, a weight in their bodies from all that they were suppressing and not allowed to say, or feel or speak or take up space because they were women. Mm-hmm. So we do, we have, that's part of our work. We, we're not a blame for carrying it, but we do carry it. We inherited that. I'm not saying any of this is easy, you know, I'm, I'm the only woman in my family that.

You know, has made her own money. I totally understand. You know. I mean, I was taught marry a rich white man and have a good life. You know?

Why would you do?

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Lesser than ugly, not beautiful. She used to say that her mother called her the ugly duckling. So there was something about her color that almost she was ashamed about, and you know, so when you understand the nature of human behavior that that is something that you just can't be with. She ended up marrying three white men.

She wanted to be white. You know, and when you really start to understand how what we carry drives what we do, yes. I mean, firstly, it can give you such a deep level of compassion for people. But yes, we, we, as Asian women, we have, we have that to work through. but it is our work. It is. Otherwise we'd just keep repeating.

We have to be the

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So where can everyone find you?

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Yeah. I have my podcast, the Infinite Potential of Being Human. but you know, if you wanna just kind of follow and hear what I'm saying, head to the podcast or head to my Instagram, where you'll see me every day.

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