10# - Dulari -Widowed at 28 and a Single Mum: Navigating Grief, Motherhood, and Resilience

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And when she was seven months pregnant with her beautiful son, she was undeterred by adversity that life presented her and she embarked on a courageous journey of navigating widowhood and motherhood simultaneously. She now works as a locum optima, opti, optometrist. She is the incredible Dilari. So Dilari, thank you so much for being here.

Thank you

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[00:00:42] Sharn: Ah, so Dilari, you were at my, event a few weeks ago. So obviously when this airs, it'll be like, I think it'll be March time. But, I've obviously been following you for quite a while, seeing you on various podcasts and just been so inspired. By your story, but of, of course, it's such a sad story.

But as before we came into this, podcast, actually, I was saying what I found so inspiring about you is how you hold the duality of different emotions. So obviously you had this, such a tragic life changing gut wrenching event that happened in your life. But then the way you have navigated it, like, has just been, So, so incredible and so inspiring, and you know, I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like, but I know that, you know, so many people would just wouldn't have the strength and the courage to go on like you have done.

so should we just like rewind to the beginning and if you just let, let us know and the listeners know, like what happened and, How it all unfolded.

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but yeah, basically very, very sadly, very tragically one morning, Xi'an just didn't wake up. So. Literally in, in that one second, my life changed forever.

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[00:02:24] Dulari: and I've, I've just been, I guess, building myself back up from that moment since.

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[00:02:29] Dulari: I've got a beautiful, beautiful little boy who looks just like his dad.

his mannerisms are so similar to Shyam. It's, it's uncanny actually. Okay. And I'm just really, I'm just really enjoying being his mom. Yeah. So that's where I'm at right now. And obviously,

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[00:02:57] Dulari: He was fit

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[00:02:58] Dulari: sporty, full of life.

Like it wasn't like he was suffering with any ailments or anything. It's just, it just come out of nowhere and yeah, I just didn't wake up one morning.

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[00:03:21] Dulari: everyone say?

It's, it's pretty inconclusive.

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[00:03:24] Dulari: and just a bit confusing, to be honest, didn't really get any closure from it.

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[00:03:32] Dulari: Just had to.

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how did you, how did you just like look after yourself in that situation?

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You need to figure this out. And I had amazing support from my family. My parents and my brother literally jumped in the car and drove to my house immediately. And didn't leave, like they stayed with me and like very shortly after my other brother and my two sister in laws, their tiny little babies, brought them and moved in with me as well and it was quite far away, Essex to Leicester is quite, quite far.

Yeah, it's quite a

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[00:04:47] Dulari: so I just had to think about my emotions and my body, I didn't have to think, I didn't have to function. Like, like everyone else, I didn't have to think about food. I didn't have to think about the house. I didn't have to think about anything else. I just had to think about me and the baby.

Yeah. And all I was telling myself is that you have to get through the pregnancy safely.

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[00:05:12] Dulari: There's just no other option. Yeah. So I prioritized my pregnancy above everything else.

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[00:05:21] Dulari: and I, and. Didn't prioritize my grief and I chose to do that. I was obviously very, very sad and I was. coping with it as best as I could.

But you know, when you feel really sad and you know that you feel sad and there's a point at which you let go and you let yourself be really sad and like, you'll cry loudly. You

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[00:05:42] Dulari: you just allow yourself to do that. I wasn't allowing myself to do that on purpose because it's strenuous, it's stressful and that stress goes on your baby.

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[00:05:53] Dulari: So that's what I was focusing on initially.and thereafter. I had obviously prepared myself and told myself as well, like, you have to process this. You can't just bury it. I'm gonna do it after I have the baby. And then I'm gonna be like, right. Let it out. Because it will eat you up otherwise.

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[00:06:25] Dulari: Come out, I feel like it could destroy you.

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At the time, initially,

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[00:06:51] Sharn: Day. Yeah, of course.

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[00:07:05] Sharn: And

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[00:07:16] Sharn: Siam.

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And mum was like, yeah, just do that. Just get through the day one day at a time.

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[00:07:34] Dulari: And you know, like it's, there's a lot in our culture when someone passes away as well. Like there's a lot going on. There's a lot of people around you. There's just, there's a lot to get

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His son was there and he tried to do CPR and we'd seen him before a few weeks before at my cousin's 40th. So, and he was the youngest sibling. So it was like a massive shock to us. And I remember, obviously it was a bit complicated at the time because we weren't all my, me and my cousins weren't talking.

It was that kind of relationship. And it'd been like that for a few years. but obviously as soon as we found out, like, Me and my parent, my, it was really complicated because my dad was really sick at the time and, but we literally dropped everything and went. And then obviously the whole family were there.

you know, No, I don't think like the ambulance had obviously come and been, but they said like, I think my auntie was very much like, I want the whole family to be here to grieve together. And then they can obviously like take him coron. Yeah. Yeah. And the coroner was literally just outside actually as we were parking up.

But I remember like, we all had like our moment and the family were coming like just close family. and obviously we're just, it's just the shock. The shock of it all was just, it's so crazy. And I think in our culture, because we do get to see, obviously, like we did, like, you know, the, the body like multiple times.

and I remember like coming downstairs and we're all just like in the room with like family members, just, just catching our breath, getting a cup of tea, just having water, just everyone's quiet. And literally like, they were like, like so and so's outside now, who's like not close family. They're just like, you know, kind of extended family friends.

And then I remember like, everyone was like, okay, like the, the brooding, you know, the ladies go separate, the men go separate. And it was like, we just didn't even get an opportunity to like, just grieve like that moment.

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[00:09:52] Sharn: protocol. Exactly. And like, I think in our Sikh culture, like, I think, in the Gujarati and Hindu culture, like, I think I've heard, like, they just say, like, only come on certain days or they put a message out.

but with us, you can't do that. Like, it's, it would be so, like, frowned upon if we just said, Oh, actually people only come on certain days. And I remember, like, my auntie who's obviously had a stroke and not very well, like, and just having to relive, relive the story.

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[00:10:21] Sharn: speaks to you about it.

Yeah. And like every day, like my mum, I didn't go every day. My mum was there every day, but it's like, Oh my God, like that's so much like, up until the ashes were done in the UK. And it's like, God, like our culture is so, I don't even know what the word is, but it's so difficult to navigate. It

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Yeah. and it's, it's, it's hard as well because people are doing it with no ill intent. Oh yeah. No malice at all. There's no malice. There's only love and concern. But I think some people don't understand. That certain questions are triggering, certain questions make the day harder for someone who's grieving, and they're not asked out of malice.

Sometimes it's ignorance, and just, and different generations. We are so much more in tune with our mental health and understanding what, what stresses us out and what doesn't. It wasn't like that before. See, it's difficult to fault them as well. Mmm,

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[00:11:31] Dulari: But it makes it harder.

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so, and you can't, I mean, sometimes they say things and you're like, like, why? But I guess with you, like, with that situation, how did you manage? Because I'm imagining, like, lots of people came round, like. Yeah, I mean, to be honest.

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[00:11:56] Sharn: Yeah.

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Like we lived very, very close, but everything that was happening was happening at Jam's parents house. Yeah.which I was grateful for. It gave me space to have like downtime and stuff like that because I was so heavily pregnant. I also constantly needed to Yeah. I think I only let people into my house that were my friends of my generation, that were gonna come and sit with me and spend like an hour with me, not to grieve, not to, do you know what I mean?

Just be normal. Just to sit on the sofa with me and have a cup of tea. Because I, I was, what I desperately needed was normality, not people coming to my house to cry.

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[00:12:48] Dulari: was not crying. Yeah. I was not doing that. So don't, it would, it would be certain conversations with certain people almost, you felt the need to console someone.

And I didn't really, I didn't want to. I didn't want to console anyone. I didn't want to speak to anyone. Yeah. I didn't really want to look at anyone.

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[00:13:22] Dulari: yeah.

And again, I feel, I feel bad because it's, it's their way of showing love and their way of saying, I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I, like some people it works for and some people it's like, Oh, I feel like people have made an effort with me and people care. But for me, it makes me want to shut down.

And I was in situations, especially right at the start where I was consoling other people.

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[00:13:53] Dulari: And I just didn't have, it sounds horrible to say it, but I'll be blunt, I'm quite a blunt person. I didn't have the energy. Of course.so I didn't really struggle with any of that because my parents were living in my house.

And it was like I had bodyguards because if I wanted to see someone, then yeah, they would come. And if I didn't, they would very kindly say like, today is not the day.

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[00:14:22] Dulari: but also if I, if I didn't want to speak to anyone, I think after about a week I started kind of zoning out and if I didn't want to speak to anyone, I just didn't even make an effort.

I would just sit there. And if they, if they wanted to say something to me, I'd respond. And if they didn't, I'd just sit there next to them and be like, I'm quite comfortable with the silence. Yeah. Whereas I feel like other people in this situation may have struggled a lot more if someone was sitting next to them that they didn't want to speak to, but they felt they had to say something because a lot of people would feel compelled.

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[00:14:56] Dulari: But I just, I just knew what I needed at the time. Yeah. I think. The one thing about me is that I know is I'm very self aware and I knew that me consoling someone else at that time, like a week in, it was, was going to make me bitter.

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[00:15:15] Dulari: me angry going forward because I, I didn't want to, I didn't want to speak to anyone.

I didn't want to see anyone. So I just didn't speak. I was, I was kind, I was respectful, but where it wasn't needed and where it wasn't warranted, I wouldn't speak. I wouldn't fill gaps.

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[00:15:31] Dulari: do

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This is what we have to do. Yeah. This is what we're doing now. Like, she's not talking about it. Like, she's doing her own thing. Cause obviously she's pregnant, but like. They'd find it hard. Yeah. And so was it like your parents basically told everyone, was it that kind of thing or was it like an unspoken rule?

No, they,

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[00:16:02] Sharn: everyone. Yeah. That's brilliant. That's so good. They did tell

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[00:16:15] Sharn: Yeah.

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And some people a bit hurt by it. And some people got a bit angry because they felt they had a right to come and see me and a right to come to my house and sit with me. And I mean, it doesn't affect me and I don't mind. because that's the way I've been brought up. My mom and dad have raised me to not be concerned if other people are trying to make me feel a certain way.

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[00:16:55] Dulari: It's, it's actually not about

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[00:16:58] Dulari: about them.

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[00:16:59] Dulari: And I'm not willing to take that on right now. I've got enough on.

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[00:17:03] Dulari: So if that's upset you respectfully, I'm sorry you're hurt. I can't take that one right now. And I learned that from them. So they were dealing with it.

very well because I don't have to be like this from them. Yeah,

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She was like, it's like an outcry of like, it's like public grieving almost.that's what it felt like for us every time anyone has like passed in our family, it's just very. It's just everyone, and I can see obviously why everyone comes around and it's nice, you know, and sometimes the mood can be quite light, you know, like everyone will crack jokes or just think about old memories, but it's very, I feel like it's quite invasive as well, especially in our Sikh culture is like, I think it's got like a little way to go until people start saying like, Oh, these are the days you can come because people would just be absolutely, I think they would just be so offended.

But I think also it's like the stereotype we have in our minds around like grief and like widow, widowhood as well, isn't it? From like the Bollywood films where

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[00:18:29] Sharn: Yeah. Like, I don't know if you've seen that film, surely. And like jail, jail.

ompletely different, we're in: 2024

I don't know if people expected it.

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I don't cover my head until I'm married, like when I do puja and stuff like prayers and things.so I used to be really excited when I get married, I'm going to cover my head when I go to the Mandir and do the pujas and stuff. And I was so excited after I got married to wear my Sindhul, like I always wore it with my Indian outfit.

If I was wearing Indian clothes, I always wore Sindhul. And

being excited as a girl growing up. Then I was like, what, what happens now? Like, do I still cover my head? Yeah. Or do I not cover my head? Like I was confused. Do I wear my wedding ring? Do I not wear my wedding ring? Like I, I was just confused. Yeah. Then do I wear a chandler, a bindi? Yeah. Do I not wear it?

And I can't remember, it was about something specific. I can't remember what it was about, but it was about something specific. I asked my mum if I should do it. I think it might have been a chandler. Yeah. And I was like, do I, do I put it on or not? And she was literally like, None of these rules apply to you.

Yeah. Like you don't have to ask me these questions ever again. Whatever you feel comfortable doing or whatever you want to do, you do that. If you want to wear it, you wear it. Yeah. There are no rules for you that are different to everybody else. So I never felt like I can't do this because I'm a widow. I can't do that.

Like obviously you'd have sad days like where you're I'm not going to do this because I don't, like my husband passed away and I, do you know what I mean? Like I can get quite, I used to get a bit grumpy with it, like only with my immediate family, but I can't do that now because.

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[00:20:55] Dulari: Not married anymore, am I?

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[00:20:58] Dulari: But I would never like, like I'll wear colourful clothes, I'll wear my jewellery, I'll wear everything. The only thing I didn't wear again is my sindoor.

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[00:21:07] Dulari: I didn't wear that again. And I just, I just, I just really associate it, with a married woman. Yeah, of course. And I just, I just like to keep it that way.

Yeah, a hundred

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[00:21:19] Dulari: And I, and I, at the time, obviously I felt, I've said it in many podcasts before, like I felt like I was still in a relationship for quite a long time. It's been nearly three years now. I definitely don't feel that way. So I would feel strange wearing like,

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[00:21:33] Dulari: it just wouldn't feel right to me.

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[00:21:50] Dulari: Yeah. Yeah. It was all, it was all organized and sorted out by the funeral.

Shams family, they handled all of the details and, like, I'm really grateful for it because there's a lot that goes into it.

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[00:22:05] Dulari: was during COVID times as well. So there was only 30 people in the funeral, but it was streamed. So I think there was, I think there was like 500 people attending the funeral virtually.

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[00:22:18] Dulari: obviously like we would have zoom calls every evening where we would do like bhajans, so like the prayers, and there were like hundreds and hundreds of people on those calls as well.

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[00:22:30] Dulari: even that, just getting the courage to put on the appropriate clothes and going there. Do you know what?

Even then, I used to wear a white chunduri, a chundi, and that's because I was sad and I felt That I wanted to. Yeah. But even then my mom was like, stop wearing that. You don't have to wear it. You don't have to wear it. But I just wore it every time.

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[00:22:56] Dulari: Yeah.

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[00:22:58] Dulari: Even then mom was like, you literally don't have to wear this.

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[00:23:34] Dulari: Yeah. I think the way I saw it was he is the most beautiful, beautiful little baby and such a wonderful soul that God has brought to me.

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[00:23:53] Dulari: And. He deserves the best in life.

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[00:23:57] Dulari: He started life without getting the chance to meet his father.

What he deserves is the best that I could give him as his mother. In order to do that, I need to build myself back up to be the best version of myself so that I can pour that into him. And that's why I just, was working on myself. I was like, you need to work on yourself. You need to bring yourself back for him because how can you, how can you give him what he deserves if you're, if you're half a person, if you're a shallow

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[00:24:36] Dulari: he's only got one parent.

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[00:24:38] Dulari: So give him the best parent he could possibly ask for. Give him everything. I wanted to give him The excitement that Sian would give him, Sian would get excited about things that I would not get excited about and I was like, you know, I want him to feel that. I want to.I want to be the parent that throws him up in the air and catches him.

I wouldn't be that person. He would have been that person. Like, Sean was super fun and athletic and he would just do, do things. And I'm like a couch potato that just doesn't want to do anything. And I was like, well, I don't want to be that person for him. Like, that's not fun for a kid. So that's why I went in the gym and I've never been a gym girl in my life.

I walked into that gym, I said, I would like a personal trainer.

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[00:25:23] Dulari: met with someone who's my close friend now, Claire, and I started training with her twice a week and I built up all my strength and then I went up to three times a week. I did that literally for like two years.

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[00:25:36] Dulari: And she asked me at the start, she was like, why, why do you want a personal trainer?

Why do you want to do this? And I gave her three reasons or she asked for three reasons. And I think I said, I want to. feel happier. I want to fix, like, help my mental health. I want to be healthier. And I said, I want to be strong enough to hold my baby as he grows. Like he was always a chunky baby. Like he's a big baby.

And I'm like, he's only going to get bigger. And I was like, I want to, I want to be strong enough as he grows and I want to be able to carry him. And she was like, okay. And that was why I went there. And even now I was, okay, I can't do it for long, but I'll still launch him around. I'll carry him on my shoulders because I don't want him to, I want him to feel excited and happy that when my niece and nephew go on my brother's shoulders, or he, and he goes on my brother's shoulders.

Like, There is another person as well that will do it. Yeah. And I will be the other person. Like my sister in law was pregnant. Then my other sister in law was pregnant. Like I was the stronger one.

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[00:26:44] Dulari: And I was happy. I was proud. I'm like, I can do that as well.

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What has that looked like, like behind the scenes, what kind of things have you done to really help and support yourself?

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[00:27:30] Sharn: Um,

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[00:27:39] Sharn: Yeah. Yeah.

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[00:27:42] Sharn: Yeah.

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[00:27:56] Sharn: Yeah.

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[00:28:08] Sharn: Whereas

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Like facts are facts.

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[00:28:18] Dulari: words that were coming out of my mouth would make people sad. Yeah, of course. But that was true to me. That was my life. But if I wrote it on Instagram, I could then turn my phone off, and yeah, people would write really lovely comments back to me, and the same things I would probably say to my face that I didn't want to hear in person, but I could turn it off, and then when I'm ready to read that, I could read it.

If you're having a conversation with someone, you would stop, you're like, oh, this person is getting really upset. Do you know what? Today, I, before I come here, I went to a laser appointment, laser hair removal, and I had a new person doing my laser and literally towards the end of my appointment, she was asking me like a few personal questions and I was talking about Ram and she was saying, Oh, you're tired.

You should get a massage. It's like, Oh, I like, it's difficult for me. And then I was like, Oh, I'm a single mom. Like my husband passed away.

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[00:29:07] Dulari: And she was like, Oh, and then I just literally in like a sentence told her what happened and she couldn't continue the appointment. She got so sad and she started crying and she just had to take a minute and she's like, I just need a minute.

I'm so sorry. And I was like, no, that's fine. Like take a minute. Like, don't worry.

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[00:29:29] Dulari: like, this does affect people.

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Of course it is, but I think you dealing with it as well and being like an Asian woman who's dealing with it. I think it's a lot, you know, the cultural nuances, society in general. It must have been so difficult, but I think the way you just like, you know, like present yourself is just so inspiring. Yeah, thank you.

Because you're just always, I've had obviously various different interactions with you over the last few months because of our event and stuff. You're just so like sweet and kind and just like really like bubbly and I'm just like, oh, this person's just so nice. and did, did you think you ever went through like depression in that

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Yeah. Yeah. I suffered. But postnatal depression, at the same time as when I let my grief out, it was very, very difficult. I would not be where I am today if I didn't have the support and love that I did for my family.

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[00:30:44] Dulari: So I, I am here with, with the strength that I have and I'm able to speak about things the way I speak about it because of the support I did get from my family and continue to get.

I'm still, I'm still living with them now.

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[00:31:17] Dulari: I was told initially. very, very, very early on, I think within the first three or four days to speak to my GP and get some counselling.

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[00:31:26] Dulari: I didn't want to, I went through it, I called the GP, and I just didn't feel like I gained anything from the conversation. Obviously the GP is not the counsellor and they're not trained for it, but I didn't feel like I gained anything from the conversation. I actually led the entire conversation with the GP because they didn't really know what to say.

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[00:31:44] Dulari: And I was like, you know what, I'll, I'll get in touch when I feel the need to. And I felt like I was so angry at the time that I wasn't in a space to receive. I feel like if you're going to do something like this, you need to be in a space to be able to listen and receive. And I was not in that space.

I was very, very angry. And I knew that if I did something like this, I would end up feeling patronized.

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[00:32:10] Dulari: the situation.

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[00:32:12] Dulari: I just knew that I wouldn't receive very well someone telling me how to feel or how to deal with my emotions. Yeah. So I was like, this isn't the time for me.

And I was like, they're going to tell me things to do that I already know. I'm already making changes. I started a new Netflix series to keep me busy. Something to

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[00:32:30] Dulari: I did the journaling. I was like, I'm going to, I'm going to join a gym. Like I was like, these are the things that I'm setting myself up for.

And if I feel like I come to, like, a hurdle or a crossroad, I can get the help, but so far I've not felt like I'm, I've needed it.

I don't feel like I'm not ready anymore, but now I feel like maybe I don't need it just yet, but the door is still open. Like, if ever I feel like I need that, like, I'm like, okay, now's my time.

Now's the time I'm going to need this.

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[00:33:17] Dulari: and I've, without realizing I've built a community of people that never met me or Shyam, but they love him.

Yeah. They love Shyam and they get to see, they get to see the side of Shyam that was like my side of him because I love like I love to take videos. If I've seen someone doing something that is just something that I enjoy, I'll take a video because I'll probably watch that five times later again that day.

And I've posted those types of things like Of him, like in his memory or when I early on those, those are the videos that were just keeping me going. I would just watch them again and again. And then I would just post them.

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[00:33:54] Dulari: And people see that fun side to him. Yeah,

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Like all the good ones that you've posted. in terms of like, Tulare, obviously, Yeah. You are managing so much right now, obviously you're a mum, how, and I know you get a lot of family support, but like, how do you like manage it all? Any kind of tips?

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[00:34:25] Sharn: being organized, timeliness,

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The nursery opens at seven. So like there was an issue there. So my brother Ritesh, he was like, don't worry, I'll drop you to the station. So I was like, okay, I was prepping Ram the night before. you need to drop me to the train station. We need to wake up early. So I got him ready on time to drop me to the train station.

And then so I can go, my brother would then take him to the nursery. So that's like, he got up. Probably an hour and a half earlier than he would normally because he's been going to nursery later because I found a job. that works around him.

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[00:35:10] Dulari: I found hours that work around him. I'll have breakfast with him at eight o'clock.

Then I'll drop him and then I'll go to work.

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[00:35:18] Dulari: so I was like, literally prepping myself this whole weekend. Like my outfit was ready. Oh wow. So my handbag was ready. His nursery bag was ready. Everything was ready for the morning because I'm like, I'm leaving first thing and I can't go without anything.

Like if I forget my phone charger or something. I need to get back home. So now I'm like, I make lists, prepare, prepare, prepare. I am lucky enough to like, be able to dictate my working hours and I work it around him. I finish at four so I can pick him up and he goes to bed at about six ish. So I need to pick him up earlier.

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[00:35:57] Dulari: So I just literally pre plan as much as I can and even now, I'm like getting to a point now where I'm, I feel like I'm getting a grip of my life a little bit more and I feel like I'm going to be able to plan even better.

[: 00:36:12

[00:36:13] Dulari: Even just like. Planning his clothes ahead. If I know he's going to be going somewhere at the weekend makes a huge difference.

If I know we're going somewhere, I will pack the bag, like his nappy bag at any point during the week

[: 00:36:26

[00:36:29] Dulari: Yeah. His swimming bag will be packed and ready. As soon as the clothes are washed, the swim bag is repacked and re ready to go for the next week.

[: 00:36:36

[00:36:36] Dulari: everything is just ready.

Cause especially when you live in such a big family, what I found when he was younger is it's like, Oh, we're going out now. Everyone go. And like with us girls, we're like, we need to get the bag ready. Like, what the baby's going to need. They needed milk feeds, they needed toys, they needed nappies. So it was like, okay, let's, let's keep it ready.

Let's keep it ready.

[: 00:36:54

[00:36:55] Dulari: So that you don't feel like you're constantly chasing your own tail. I just think preparation and, And planning and thinking about your week ahead, think about what needs to be done. And only recently I've started using my calendar on my phone so much better. Like it's so useful and so helpful.

Yeah.

[: 00:37:13

That's not possible. Yeah.

[: 00:37:28

Okay. You need to, we need to chop this and this and this. Okay. Right. I'm going to chop all of those things and keep them in a bowl. Do they need to be in separate bowls or do they need to be together? And then I'll know, okay, this part's done. So when you, when we get a free moment without the kids, someone can like do the work and cook it and whatever.

Yeah. But I'm like, let me know if I know what actually needs to be done, I can fit little parts in and I can be like, that's ready to go. Yeah. Yeah. But I used to be scared to do that because I was scared to get back in the kitchen.

[: 00:38:10

[00:38:11] Dulari: I'm not scared to get in the kitchen. I can literally ask, how do you make this?

Okay, I can do this. I know I can do this, but leave that bit to me. I'll get that done.

[: 00:38:18

That's a really

[: 00:38:55

I think it's really useful to write down how you're

[: 00:39:01

[00:39:03] Dulari: Even if you don't want to tell anyone else, it really helps you process your feelings. I agree. movement is so key. Walk, go for a walk every single day, go to the gym, do something, something that you're capable of doing. Get some movement in your day.

You have it. no idea just how much of a difference that makes to your mood.

[: 00:39:29

[00:39:29] Dulari: not going to solve your problem. It's not going to take away your pain, but it will help you enjoy your day better. And I, like I said, I was taking one day at a time.

[: 00:39:37

[00:39:39] Dulari: and the third thing is, I think you just need to remember to be kind to yourself, like allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and don't beat yourself up about it.

You're going through something and it's crap. Like this should have never happened to you. It is awful. You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to cry. You're allowed to shut down some days. You're allowed to have down days, but don't let it be your permanent state. I would have down days and I'm like, okay, tomorrow I'm going to try again and I'm going to try really hard tomorrow.

So if you're having a down day, let it be your down day, respect it, respect your emotions, really try again tomorrow.

[: 00:40:21

And then it was like, my dad got diagnosed with Parkinson's, then my brother in law ended up in ICU. So, um, yeah. nearly died. Like we had to, we said our goodbyes, so it was all going to be final, but by some miracle he survived. and it was just a real, it was like one thing after another, like Q4 last year, me and my husband always say like the worst part of our life ever and some other stuff, which I haven't shared online, but, it was just so difficult.

And I shared this on my, at my event as well. But I think, yeah, you, you're so right. It can become your permanent state and you can really get into, for me, like I was getting into victimhood, but I was like, I have to, I can see how people end up in a permanent state. Like I can, because it only takes a couple of things to go wrong.

And you're like, Why is this happening to me? Like, did I get, I don't believe in Nazar, but did I get Nazar? Is it bad energy? Was it because things were going so well? And, but it's like, actually, it's just life. Like sometimes things just happen and there's no explanation, you know, and it's, it is really difficult, obviously with your situation, completely different Dilara reminds like, no, like, like yours, but

[: 00:41:43

Yeah. If you're, if you're going through something and if it's hurting you, it's very real and it's real to you. Yeah. You can't compare people's situations. It was, it was a difficult time for you.

[: 00:41:54

I

[: 00:42:03

[00:42:05] Sharn: Mmm.

[: 00:42:06

[00:42:16] Sharn: Yeah.

[: 00:42:17

[00:42:21] Sharn: Yeah.

[: 00:42:22

I don't want him to grow up feeling like he's a victim of life because something bad happened to him.

[: 00:42:37

[00:42:38] Dulari: want him to grow up strong and happy and proud. Yeah.

[: 00:42:43

[00:42:44] Dulari: That's how I want him to be not not a victim.

[: 00:42:47

[00:42:48] Dulari: never want to be a victim either.

[: 00:42:50

So where can everyone find you on socials? Where are you hanging out?

[: 00:42:58

[00:43:10] Sharn: Dilawri is my Instagram account. Oh, thank you so much, Dilawri, for coming on today. I feel like there could be a part two because it's just, it just, the time just went so quickly.

But thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. I had a really nice time. Thank you. Is